And all we are worried about acceptance
And love
And relationships
And kissing
And sex
But what we really have just done at this age is discovered it
We still have to get to know what love feels likes
So don’t get strung out about falling in love
Or never finding someone
Or sex
Or not yet having your first kiss
Because when you’re older
You’ll eventually get married to someone you love
Have you ever met someone who didn’t get married besides it being their own choice?
All I imagine is me with my husband hand in hand shopping at Costco and trying free food?
There goes my dreams hopes and future. Not upset though.
I saw him yesterday with his future prom date hugging her and walking in the hallway. He pulled away as he saw me. I just smiled at them. He texted me today and I honestly didn’t feel anything. It was like any other person texting me. So there was nothing at all in the first place.
Really. At all.
My dad has this way of emotionally blackmailing everyone and he’s been really emotionally abusing me since I can remember. But I’m not going to say anything because honestly I’ve learn to let things go and have realized that everything is not my fault. So I’m content.
…
UPDATE::
So turns out that tomorrow is the court date and my dad needs me to come as a witness. On the bright side I get to skip school.
It’s been two days and I haven’t talked to my dad at All and haven’t even shown my face to him as a matter of fact.
As soon as I came home today my mom came in my room and told me that my dad found pictures in an old camera that he took before he sent it to the mechanics.
Words cannot describe how badly I wanted to punch my dad in the face and strangle him for putting SO much pressure in me and causing so much distress/pain this week and nit admitting HIS mistake. UGHHAJSKSMSKK
She told me that my dad wanted me to go to court as a witness and I said okay, solely because of her. And she hid all my dads alcohol, and admitted that he had been drinking before he yelled at me etc.
When my dad wants to cheer me up or talk to me, he usually picks up our pet cockatiel and lays it on my shoulder or head.
I caught him walking in to my room midway with the bird through the door. I simply pushed away his hand and let myself out the door and into the bathroom and waited for him to pass. The things he did wont be excusable for a long time.
Even though I’ll probably start talking to him next week because he’ll have suffered enough from guilt and my mom said he went online and bought me a .5 carrot colorless diamond necklace to compensate.
God, my family is weird.
Really. At all.
My dad has this way of emotionally blackmailing everyone and he’s been really emotionally abusing me since I can remember. But I’m not going to say anything because honestly I’ve learn to let things go and have realized that everything is not my fault. So I’m content.
Basically it all started in March. My mom was driving me to school and we got into a car crash. The car ended up tearing our front bumper off and it’s a Mercedes, so it’s pretty expensive to repair. The engine stopped working because of the impact. My dad wanted to collect money for it since it wasn’t our fault. Some lunatic literally ran the red light and crashed into us full speed.
Anyways he never showed up to court and by some events we never ended up getting the insurance money.
On the scene of the accident I decided to be a smart ass and take pictures of the accident in case we ever needed them. I told my dad and mom about it in case they needed it.
Months passed. No one ever asked me for the pictures. They were crappy pictures anyways, from far away and weren’t even focused on the damage of the car, more like the position of the car etc.
So months passed and no one asks me anything of the pictures or anything. Time flies and I eventually forget the pictures. The memory in my phone is full and I decide to sync the pictures on to my laptop and forget about them.
Eventually I get a new phone.
The week my grandma passed away was really blurry and my laptop broke. I don’t really remember how. All I remember is that the power button stopped working.
That same week my grandma died I stayed at my aunts house. i went to school for two days and decided to stay home on Friday. I couldn’t focus on any of my work and everything was horrible. So I stayed home on Friday.
When my aunt dropped me off at my front house, my dad had the nastiest face ever. He scarred me that day.
He said things like I was using my grandma’s death as an excuse for not going to school. I had cried the whole night the night before and felt like my grandma was talking to me the whole time which made things so much worse.
So I go straight to my bedroom after my dad tells me these things and after a awhile I start talking to my dad because I can’t sleep. He raged on about how it was guilt and I was guilty and it was my fault she suffered so much because I would stay up late (to finish h.w btw) and how I never treated her right. 8 years I spent sharing my room with my gramma and he wants to tell me that it was my fault she died the way she did. And he blamed me for the broken laptop and told me he would have someone look at it. (He never did).
Back to topic
In mid February he tells me that he has a court date in march about the accident and he needs the pictures to get the money he paid for repairs. I told him that they were in my laptop and my laptop was broken. He went on a huge rant about how I was irresponsible and “good for nothing” and etc. (I really don’t want to remember that moment again)
That night I tried starting my laptop and it didn’t work. I searched through my old phone and they weren’t there. I even went through every single email account hoping I emailed it to myself and found nothing. The photos were still in the old laptop. and my dad never got it fixed.
Yesterday he dropped me off at school and the whole way there asked me about the pictures, I told thin they were in my laptop and it was broken. He yelled at me the whole way, at the top of his lungs. He threatened to take away everything and that “all hell would break loose” if I didn’t find the pictures.
In between the time my laptop broke, I started using my 10 year old brother’s laptop because he barely used it and because I needed it for homework purposes.
So today I came from school and my dad tells me to look everywhere again. I know they’re not anywhere so I just took a nap and ate and went on tumblr. By the time he came home he yelled at me to try to find them. When I tried and didn’t find them. (I cleared out my drawers, searched through every single email again, searched everywhere) He started emotionally blackmailing me. (Again). He yelled at the top of his lungs again that I was irresponsible
He said that the moment I took the pictures he said he would need them when he didn’t even inquire about them until almost a year later and that he didn’t take any pictures of the damage himself because “I had them.” ??? So you took the Mercedes to the autoshop and left it there for four months without even taking a single picture yourself? Or are you just using me as an excuse for your ignorance?
I seriously am cursing myself for ever taking those pictures. From now on I’m going to mind my own business and my give a shit about other people’s lives and w.e.
****
He took away my broken laptop and said he’s going to bring to a shop and ask them how it broke if it was “negligence” then he will break my neck. He also told my 10 year old brother (that i share rooms with because it was my grandma’s dying wish that he be taken out of the room he shared with my other brother because he was being abused there) not to ever let me touch his laptop again because I’m an irresponsible (LOL) little shit (even though I’ve been using the laptop for 5 months, because he’s too fucking lazy to go fix it)
Then he yelled some more and tried to take away my phone. (Nope)
So I broke down a little bit and told him to go ahead and kill me if he wanted to so Badly and use my insurance money to pay for the damage. He simply just said I have no insurance and walked away.
Now he’s trying to look for it himself and cursing every now and then. Probably going to threaten to have me removed from school etc.
I’m pretty much done. And I never want to talk to him again. He’s an alcoholic, abusive and has no common sense. I am pretty much done with this. So three more months till I go to college. I remember the Friday he made me feel like shit my aunt from Canada told me to just bear with it a few more months till I went to college and then I would be free.
So three more months and I’m home-free.
I’m done.
Because I had a dream that I was older. I was happy with my life. I had a baby. And it was so beautiful. And sitting next to me was my grandma. She was swinging him around and singing her lullabies.
I miss her so much. I didn’t wanna wake up. I always imagined my life with her. It sometimes doesn’t make sense to me that she’s gone. I still imagine her next to me and I don’t think I’ve cried like this in a long time. The kind that makes your throat feel heavy and your tears are just slow and you feel like your drowning inside because it doesn’t make sense to cry but you still do.
Dear Charlie,
Today I did not exist. I didn’t want to go to school today but my mom said the weather would be nice. I stepped outside in my favorite scarf only to find wind and rain. I decided to pretend like I didn’t exist that day. I wanted to see if it would make a difference at all. It didn’t. At most rashad wouldn’t get to hug me, Adam wouldn’t get to beat me in monopoly and Arisliedy would be lonely at lunch. I don’t know about Erick anymore. He ignores me in Life guarding class now. But I could’ve swore he was staring at me through the corner of his eyes. I still don’t know if he ever had the slightest feelings. But it’s okay because I can’t see us ever being together. I don’t want someone who’s opinions are based on other people’s reactions. Maybe i’m wrong. I think I have observed enough to make that a valid statement. Right now it’s 11:50 p.m. It’s late for me but I can imagine Adam just getting off of work now and starting his homework. It’s amazing how people say their bed times are beyond 12:00. I just hope I stay up for pre-calculus tomorrow. I started listening to Nirvana today. I wonder how Kurt Cobain’s daughter felt. I wonder if she listens to Nirvana and imagines her dad singing to her. I do.
Goodnight,
V.
All my friends have changed
Especially the close ones
My relationships have changed
My family has changed
We’re about to graduate
I’m about to change schools
And the only change I’m excited about is college.
Being alone.
I really hate change.
Sit quietly
Don’t answer my messages
Criticize me
Ignore me
Keep it that way
Call me a trainwreck
Call me a mess
Spend some more time with your new friends
And hot boys and butts
I’ll sit here.
I’m still here.
Here.
I want to major in political sciences while doing my pre-med studies
Hello college and future.
I had a bad day
